Pictures of Me: Still a long way to go….

I’ve spoken a couple of times about how Crossfit has changed the way I think about beauty, my body and what I want to get from doing athletics.  Most of the time, I think that the way I think about these things has really, fully changed for the better. And then something like this happens:

G and I doing bear complex.

This is a picture of Glenn and I doing Bear Complext that one of our friends took at the box.  I saw this picture, and something happened that reminded me that although I’ve come a long way, I still have a long way to go.

First though, here’s what I thought about G when I looked at this picture:

1. His chest muscles look good.
2. I like that shade of blue.

But here’s where things go sideways – this is what I thought when I looked at me in this picture:

1. OMG, I look terrible.
2. You can see the lines on my face (cuz I ain’t getting any younger, you know?)
3. Ack, are my arms really that fat?
4. Those pants look terrible, I look huge. (and some other random jibber jabber about hip fat)
5. Why couldn’t they get me in round 3, I totally lifted way more than this!!

This all went through my head in less than 3 seconds!  After which, I turned off my computer and went to have a shower. I spent the whole shower planning how I would cut down what I’ve been eating, start running again, stop drinking – insert weight loss method of your choice here, you name it, I was going to start doing in RIGHT AWAY!!!

Then I realized something else, and I think we can all agree on this:

My inner voice is an *sshole.

And by focusing on all the things I thought were wrong with the picture, I missed the best parts of the picture…and had done some solid damage to my self-esteem.

So I went back downstairs, turned on my computer and looked at the picture again, this time looking with positive eyes (eff my inner voice, it doesn’t run my life). This is what I saw this time:

G and I doing bear complex.

1. This is a picture of me, and the man I’m marrying in 4 months, doing something we both love. No matter what Crossfit endeavour I propose..and there are many..G is always right there with me. How awesome is that?
2. I look effing strong.
3. This is the first round of the bear complex at 25kg. There was a time when I could hardly lift 25kg once over my head…now it’s my warm up.
4. Do you think Elizabeth Akinwale would like my thighs? (see her post – Them Thighs Though here).
5. This is a great picture but I still wish they’d taken it in Round 3 🙂

Going back and looking at the picture again really helped me get my head on straight and remind myself that I still have a lot of work to do to find my own definitions of beauty and to feel good in my body. But a year and a half ago, I probably wouldn’t have gone back to look at the picture again. I probably would have started on the latest crash diet and felt miserable.

Instead, I think I’ll make this my desktop photo, keep going to the gym and workin’ them thighs 🙂

 

 

One Response to “ Pictures of Me: Still a long way to go…. ”

  1. jennifer says:

    I love the change in attitude and perspective, Rae!! I see strength and determination!! Keep it up, girl!!

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